dad n me

Dad n me… it’ll be 10 yrs on 7th of jan nxt yr…I don’t realize nw.. the time has flown…and how…since the date in 1998… I don’t thnk I will evr forgt the day it happnd… nor the belief tht I still cherish in my heart…one of the 2 constnt dreams tht I keep havin ( the othr 1 being tht of a tiger,lion or a leopard…evn a lioness…strolling along on my house grounds…I woner y..????!!! ) tht of my dad cumin bak “from the dead” like u say it…n alwyz sayin thngs like “ arey..i had gone on sme secret service mission…under cover agent…cudnt reveal my whereabouts….srry my darling” ( thts hw he used to refer to me…… )…. Blame it on the innumerable ekta kapoor soaps…!! Bt well...thts the way I feel…the 1 dream..out of the soooo many tht I hav had…one dream is da most…I wud say..emotionally reavealing for me or about me….jst a few days aftr my FAREWELL PARTY in 2005…thts the 1st time most..or shud I say..all da grls wear there 1st saree …a landmark in the life of a grl…I thnk…I dreamt …tht my dad had retrned …again…from one of those missions…n I jst said 1 thng to him.."kaaash aap thoda pehle aa gaye hotey….apne mera FAREWELL miss kar diya” … thts wen I realizd hw significant he wud b in all dose spcl occasions of my life…( or shud I say “our” lives…for mum n my sis as well…) by his constnt absence…

Being a leo,perhaps, my pride is evrythng to me..i cannot n will not tolerate nybdy havin pity for me in ny way… I hate…absolutely HATE ppl who wud like to refer to me as “bechari”…for God’s sake…. I m nt an orphan.. I hav my mom…n a very capable 1 at tht…coz she has done for my sis n me…wt is very difficult for others…in da sme position…she cud hav remarried n made her life easier…bt she chose to fulfill da responsibilities alone…smthng tht she has been doing since the day she ws born…n I guess its ‘bout time I bailed her out of it…bt gttn bak to my purpose at presnt…

My dad used to pamper me a lot…as they say…daughters are to a dad..jst like sons are to their moms…I still rem da “PRECIOUS DAUGHTER” card tht he sent me wen he ws in del at the time of my b’day… my dad was gr8 at clickin pics…n I proudly admit tht I ws his 1st muse…the 2nd one being my younger sis..wen she ws born…there r sooooooooooo many of my pics…sme taken aftr spclly gettn me ready…like one in wch I m in my 1st lehnga…posing away happily for my dad…den 1 in wch my dad n me played hide n seek…dad clicked me wen I came lookn for him…sleepin eatin dancing crying laughng…wteva I did..he had to click it…n I m glad he did…the letters he sent me tryin to explain his absences wen he had shiftd to del for a short while…costntly askin me to stdy hard “ coz u hav to beat Tuhina” he used to say…lolzz…very competitive…alwyz makin me stdy hard so tht I cud beat Tuhina and Ankita….God knos where they r rite nw…!! bt the 1 thng he nvr let me do ws hav toooo many chocos n ice cream… “ daaton mei keede lag jayenge!!” he used to stay… n nvr let me go for nite outs…overly protctive…. I miss all tht…. I really do…there’s no1 nw…to do all tht…n I m all alone nw… I m tryin my best to cope wid it dad…n I thnk I m learning hw to do it in a bttr way nw… bt I still do miss sm1 who wud b their…wid unconditional n unquestioning support…sm1 whom I cud trust myslf to alwyz fall bak on..weneva it gets too tough…or simply..weneva m tired…

I wonder wt he wud say if saw my presnt lifestyle..i wud like to introduce him to all my frnds…Rohit…coz he shares my dad’s passion of bikes n bike rallies (n thts the least of the reasons y I call Rohit my dad) …n I nly jst came to kno of their joint interst in the HIMALAYN BIKER’S RALLY… I wud giv nythng to kno wt my dad wud say of him…wt he wud say of the thngs I hav landed myslf in…coz of my own misjdgemnts…though I hav learnt loads from the experience…

I kno dt LIFE IS TO LIV IN DA PRESNT… bt kya karey…dil hi toh hai…n I hav nvr learnt to tke decisions from my mind …evr…coz thts exactly wt my dad did…N aftr all I m my Papa’s daughter…m I nt ?? ppl say I resemble my mom…they say tht I hav the habits of my bua… bt the one thng I m proud of is my “Teda tooth” coz thts smthng tht dad had too… usually kids don’t like being compared to their parents..bt I wud luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv it if sm1 said tht I say or write or drive or click pics like my dad… I long for sm1 to say it in fact…I m proud wen ny1 says tht I m my dad’s daughter…there was a time…rite aftr the aforementioned date…wen I startd feeling ashamed..tht my dad ws dead….to admit to ny1..again coz I dint want to hurt my pride…I dint want sympathy from ny1…it ws a longgggg time..b4 I cud accept tht I had been accptd…coz evn though I nvr admittd tht my dad ws dead…evry1 knew it at skool…n I still wud nvr admit it…the 1st time I admittd da fact ws probably in 12th… but its oki nw…I guess…wen its bout to b 10 yrs… Jst 10 yrs n life has chnged soooooooo mch for me….wonder wt it wud b like aftr 20…

There are times wen I feel guilty..n I find tht its nly naturl to feel tht way..n like I hav not committed a GR8 crime by havin done wt I did in da past…I feel guilty for havin done smthngs to mke my father angry…of hurting him at times… n I feel soooooo vry helpless wen I m unable to say SRRY to him…mayb thts y I hav taken to saying “srry” n “thnk u” at evry possible occasion to the point of becmng irritating for frnds…who like to abide by the MAINE PYAAR KIYA rule.. “frndship mein no srry no thnk u..” … :P .. I thnk I will ask thm to read this….so they can tolerate my srry’s n thnk u’s …or mayb nt…coz they mite end up thnkng I m aftr all a grrly grl…alwyz teary eyed…n missin my dad…of course I do miss my dad…bt nt evrytime of the day…(its amazing hw the problems of ur day to day life can put a lot of ur thots to the backseat…). Life has nevr stoppd for ny1…it nevr does..n it nvr will… bt by sayin all this..i jst wanna say tht.. “ I miss u Papa..n no matter hw many ppl enter my life…n u kno wt m talkin ‘bout…u’ll b the 1 I wud alwyz long to b wid..n although u hav left a lot of queries burning widin me…unanswered questions…unravelld mysteries…I will nvr begrudge u……coz u hav left me wid….LIFE…luv u Papa…”

Yours lovingly,
Sonya :) Dated: 13 October 2007
Time: 11.54 am